What patterns are you noticing?
The old-fashioned idea that therapy is only for people who have a diagnosable mental health disorder is mostly gone, at least in major metropolitan areas. Enough people have found the benefit of working with a professional to improve their relationships, make life more fulfilling, and achieve personal and professional goals that “I can solve my problems on my own,” is less of a roadblock than even a decade ago, when I was a newer therapist. One first step, whether you go to therapy or not, in making your life better, is identifying:
what patterns do you fall into again and again?
Maybe you can answer that immediately! If so, I hope you are already moving on towards finding ways of changing up that pattern for yourself! But its okay if you also don’t really know what I mean. These are the things that, more than a couple of times, you’ve caught yourself and thought, “ugh! I did that AGAIN!”
Some examples of patterns people fall in to, that aren’t helping them, are things like:
•staying up too late, despite negative effects.
•doing things for others that they haven’t asked for and that we then resent doing.
•spending money you didn’t intend to spend, each time you are in a specific store.
•opening up very quickly with new people, sharing things you later regret too soon
There is nothing innately wrong with any of these. And these are very specific examples that probably don’t apply to you. In fact, the opposite may apply to you. The point is, one motivational speaker or one self-help book can’t tell you what you are doing wrong and then how to fix it. You live your life every single day (more than ANYONE else does!) so you know what your tendencies are and what things aren’t working for you.
*No shade to speakers or books! There are lots of fantastic, super helpful motivational speakers and self-help books!!!
What do you notice yourself doing, or what situations to you keep finding yourself in, that you’d like to understand more? Or stop altogether? Or do differently?
If any of the patterns you’d like to change for yourself involve how you think about your looks, your body, eating, or exercise, participation in a group is a fantastic way to making changes efficiently and feeling really supported and encouraged while you are doing it. Groups are offered on Sundays and alternate meetings in-person and online.
April 2022
How to think better
It begins to happen naturally, the more you practice.
How clear are you, in the moment, when you are shaming yourself?
Are you aware of those thoughts, as they are happening?
“Ugh- these thighs…” <— is this loud and clear in the moment, or is it only after you feel bad, or even say something out loud that you realize this voice is in your head?
Here is a small plug for all the mindfulness exercises/practices/meditations that are floating around: the reason you need to be able to be present and mindful is so that you are aware when these harmful thoughts are happening AS they are happening. Because when you can do that, you can change how you think.
This takes practice. Just like mindfulness, it isn’t a one and done. And it is so so so worth it because there comes a point when you can look back and realize that, in the past, you would have struggled with something that you now do not.
Once you realize you have had an unhelpful thought (get over whether it is “true” or not- maybe you are ugly/disgusting/unlovable- truth is irrelevant here. We are looking for whether or not a thought is helpful. Does this thought help you take better care of yourself? Be more respectful? Kind? Considerate? If not, it is unhelpful and worthy of change.) then the next step is to challenge it. There are several questions you can ask to challenge any unhelpful thought.
Challenging questions:
Is there any evidence that contradicts this?
What would I say to a friend, if I hear her say this to herself?
How will I feel about this in a year?
What are the costs/benefits of thinking this way?
Is there another way to look at this?
Maybe you are headed to a social event and you do not know everyone there. Anyone could feel nervous in this situation, but monitor your thoughts because they are probably contributing to how you feel.
Unhelpful thought: Once people see me, they are going to think I’m gross.
Challenging questions:
Is there any evidence that contradicts this? I was seen by my partner’s friends for the first time and my partner says they don’t think I’m gross. My friends don’t think I am gross.
What would I say to a friend, if I hear her say this to herself? I would tell my friend that nothing about her is gross but also, “don’t talk to my friend that way!”
How will I feel about this in a year? Okay, in a year I might not even remember coming to this thing. Even if this goes poorly, I’ll likely have forgotten about it by then.
What are the costs/benefits of thinking this way? Costs: I feel worse about myself and less open and friendly. And I am definitely more self-conscious, as opposed to be interested in getting to know the people there. Benefits: I’ve always told myself that if I don’t shame myself, I won’t ever change, but I’m starting to wonder if that is true. (it’s been proven not to be)
Is there another way to look at this? Maybe other people won’t be as focused on ME as I am. Maybe others are focused on themselves or the conversations they are having or anything else- I may not be their focus at this party.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to get out of your way with the idea of “TRUTH.” That bad body image voice really wants to convince us that it is worth listening to and believing. However, truth is absolutely irrelevant when it comes to thinking things that feel shitty. When we feel better, we do better. We can help ourselves out in this effort by thinking better thoughts.
For more insights and exercises to improve how you you see yourself, check out the Body Acceptance Project.
March 2022
When clients are ready to wrap up the work that we’ve done, I enjoy hearing from them what they found most useful from our collaboration in their growth and healing. In a recent session with a client who was moving on, she shared that it had been helpful to learn the hands-on techniques to, in the moment, calm down or get out of the super big feelings that sometimes took over.
She was referring to some of the DBT skills she’d learned in the course of her therapy. Since I don’t teach DBT skills to all of my clients and yet these skills are incredibly useful to have in your back pocket for when overwhelming situations arise, I’ll share a few of them here. (there are tons- these are just a few!)
Marsha Linehan created this approach to therapy with four key components in mind:
Mindfulness · Interpersonal Effectiveness · Emotion Regulation · Distress Tolerance
Mindfulness is what allows us to use any of the other skills we need in order to manage our emotions, get along with people, and handle distress. If we aren’t able to be present-minded enough to stop and think, “oh! I know a skill that will help me right now!” then none of the other skills matter. Practicing conscious, mindful breathing is a starting place for mindfulness. Here is some guidance if you have 5 minutes to practice this skill.
Interpersonal Effectiveness skills help us be better in our relationships. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I understand that most of the problems we have can be solved by improving our relationships. Skills that help us get along with people are crucial to our sanity. I like the skill Validation because it is also a component of the Imago Dialogue that I teach to clients who want to improve their communication. Validation is simple, but very effective in letting others know we understand them and value their perspective. To validate someone is to accept what they’ve told you is their reality without dismissing it because you had a different experience. Validation can look like, “That makes sense that you saw it that way.” “I understand why you felt like that.” It is important to remember that you don’t have to agree with someone in order to let them know you can see their perspective. Other people’s opinions are valid, even if they are different from yours.
Emotion Regulation skills are super helpful for when feelings want to dictate our decisions. If you are “a feeler,” these skills will help you feel proud of your behavior, even though your feelings make you want to do something you wouldn’t be proud of doing. There are lots of Emotion Regulation skills, but maybe one of the most accessible when tough feelings are big, is Opposite Action. Essentially, Opposite Action has us do the direct opposite of what a big, difficult feeling is telling us. Examples include: If anger makes it feel like you want to yell something derogatory at someone, an opposite action would be to softly say something complimentary to them. Or to walk away instead of even approaching them. If sadness makes you feel like you want to avoid people and stay home, an opposite action would be to take your dog to a dog park and smile at others who are there. Or sign up to volunteer and show up on time to do it.
Distress Tolerance skills allow us to handle difficult situations. Life will always have these, so they are incredibly valuable skills for anyone! One of the easiest skills to start using immediately is very simple: half smile. Gently upturned lips and a relaxed face. Your body tells to your brain information, so a half smile will genuinely bring peace of mind. A big, cheesy smile might feel fake or like too much of a stretch. Practice half-smiling when you are in upset, worried, or unhappy, as well as when you are more comfortable. It might feel weird at first, but you will quickly feel its effectiveness.
There are many DBT resources if you’d like to learn more. DBTselfhelp.com is an organized site that allows you to look through the skills and learn tips and tricks with each.
Which skill will you use first?
February 2022