Dear Dancer Friends,

"Dancers are trained to 'eat' dances--to ingest them and make them part of who they are. These are physical memories; when dancers know a dance, they know it in their muscles and bones."

- Natalia Makarova

Without outing this person, someone very close to me recently told me a funny story about going to her therapy session. This person knows I have been in therapy for much of my adult life. This person knows I have practiced therapy with hundreds of clients over the years. This person works in a job that includes recommending therapy to people when the stresses of their job warrant it. And yet, she told me about passing clients coming out of their therapy sessions while she was walking in to her therapy session, smiling at them and thinking, "Hey! I'm fucked up, too!"

If someone in my inner circle, who has personally benefited from psychotherapy, seen me benefit from it, and who advocates for others to go to therapy can still have this thought, even if in jest, I have to acknowledge that it must be true that others also still see therapy as being for people who are "fucked up." 

Most people aren't closely connected to someone who works in mental health, so most people may not see that we therapists are normal people (not just deadpan, beige-wearing "how-does-that-make-you-feel"-reciting robots) who value and respect our clients. If people haven't known a mental health professional personally or gone to psychotherapy yet themselves, how much more likely might they be to assume psychotherapy is for "fucked up" people? 

Which makes me sad. 

Therefore, I realize more education is needed so everyone understands how common "mental illness" (1 in 5 adults each year) is. Having a clinical diagnosis of depression or anxiety or post-traumatic stress isn't rare or uncommon or weird. It happens more frequently than sinus infections (less than 15% of adults each year).

I'm grateful to Miss Natalia because her explanation to laypeople about what dancers already know explains a bit about the work that I do now. Maybe dancers can even help translate how it works to other people...

Without using the word "trauma," (which has probably lost its meaning to most people) I'll say that anything we experience is stored physically. Dancers know this innately because our bodies learn a dance, not just our minds. We may rely on thinking in the beginning- could probably tell you what count something is on, at least in the early stages of learning- but at some point, much of a piece is just in a dancer. In the same way you don't have to consciously think, "turn on the turn signal" or "ease on to the brake as you turn" while driving, dancers just kinesthetically know a dance.

And humans (most animals, really) know anything we have experienced if it is either repeated or if it was very painful. It stays with you. Your body has learned it and it has become part of you.

This is why if you move away from your awful family, as much of a relief as it might be, your work is not done. Your muscles and bones still remember the emotional pain. You will still automatically respond to people, places and things in ways that you needed to with dysfunctional people, even though you may have left those people. Often, we attract different dysfunctional people so that we can keep doing the same dance we already know,  even if we don't like it.

Just because you broke up with the "toxic" ex, your work is not done. Without looking at what we have stored up inside, we will continue to attract another person (no surprise to your therapist) who we do a similar dance with- because we have not changed. Why would you expect to attract something different if you have not changed yourself? You will keep doing the same dance you've always done because it is what you know.

Therapy can help you sort through your physical memories. A good therapist can help you look at what you've ingested to decide what you want to be part of who you are. 

Considering therapy? Ask how to find the right therapist here.