"I went to counseling week after week, but nothing was changing." 

I have heard similar complaints: from new clients, from friends, and from my clients about their loved ones who are trying to get better but counseling isn't working.

"I have always loved being in therapy... I've learn about myself and I have learned that I can take charge over things. I wish my boyfriend would feel this way... he said he just complains about his week and his counselor listens." 

In a recent session, a client shared a story that isn't new, but sadly, keeps re-telling itself: counseling doesn't work unless there is a plan and a method by which to get to it. Don't misunderstand, as a consumer of therapy, this is in no way your job to manage. You are doing nothing at all wrong by bringing in what is hard in your day-to-day life. Opening up about what is going on with you: inside and outside of your body and mind, is exactly what a "good client" is meant to do. A skilled therapist will be able to bring your day-to-day complaints back to the big picture goal that you are working towards each week.

Traci Pirri, owner of Hope for the Journey (the best Trauma Therapy clinic in Austin) references clients' COWS: when clients bring in their 'Crisis Of the Week.' Someone who began therapy because he couldn't find a long-term relationship might come in complaining about a bad date or an argument with his boss from one week to another. If the conversations stay there, therapy can't do more than just putting out fires. A skilled therapist will listen closely to her client and guide them to look at how each crisis of the week is connected to the main goal her client wants to achieve. This way they continue to work towards that goal. Not just towards blowing off steam for temporary reprieve.

But my life is stressful! I don't want to take it out on my roommate/partner/family- shouldn't I use my therapist to vent?

Absolutely. And, the goal of any good therapist should be to make herself unnecessary. You aren't meant to go to therapy every week forever.* In my 15 years in this field, I have enjoyed working with clients who may return for new issues that arise after they've solved the original problem they had. I have clients that I've seen long-term, but who have reduced from weekly sessions to less-frequent check-ins as they stabilize the skills they've learned. Regardless of the "presenting problem" a client brings to therapy, we are always working towards: a client finding and using the resources they have to live a fulfilling life. Part of that may include finding people and places where you can blow off steam, beyond your therapist's couch. Who can you confide it, beyond just your shrink? Do you have outlets in your life? Humans are meant to depend on one another, so developing social connections that provide this may be part of your personal growth, and something your therapist should have the pulse on with you.

Well, how do I know if my therapist is going to help me change my life or not?

You can ask! This is what initial consultations are for- many therapists provide a free phone consult or will answer a few questions via email. You can ask things like, 

• How will we measure my progress?
• What differences might I notice week-to-week, based on what I'd like to work on?
• Do you assign homework? If not, can we check-in at the end of sessions on something I can be thinking about or trying before we meet again?

It is also fair game to tell someone you are working with, "I am afraid of not making progress," or "I have been in counseling before and nothing changed." These are fair concerns that any client could have and your therapist will want to know if this is something on your mind. 

The Call-to-Action for this article is NOT to suggest that clients change how they show up in their therapist's office. A client being present and open to the experience of therapy is valid and necessary. Hopefully, the expectation that clients have of their therapists may rise a bit over the blank-faced nodding so frequently portrayed on TV and movies. Therapy is meant to change you and your life. Not just give you a place to bitch. You can do that with your dog.

*Best practice for therapists and counselors indicates we do continue our own therapy throughout our practice. This may be true for other helping professions like clergy, medical professionals, etc, as well as full-time care-givers. Life circumstances can warrant the need for long-term therapeutic support. And, there should also be an element in one's therapy of pursuing additional supports to stabilize a person outside of a dependence on therapy alone.