How to Get What You Want Out of Therapy

A good percentage of the people who seek therapy with me tell me that their previous counselor didn’t do much more in their sessions than listen, nod, and occasionally ask what they were feeling.So it shouldn’t have surprised me when a client several months ago told me that his friend was critical of his therapy with me because I challenged him to think of things differently. My client said that his friend insisted that a good therapist would agree with you and mostly just listen.

This really did come as a shock to me. I personally would never pay someone what my clients pay me if that person did nothing more than look at me and nod a few times.over the course of an hour. But just because some clients flee that type of “therapy” to find something deeper and more constructive doesn’t mean that everyone is turned off by it. Perhaps many people stay in this sort of professional relationship because they think this is all it can be, or because they are afraid to ask for more, or because they aren’t sure how to let their clinician know they want something different and they are going to look for someone else who is a better fit. (See previous posts on tips for doing this.) And maybe some people, like my client’s friend, don’t want to make changes in their lives. Maybe some people really just want to be listened to week after week.

The problem with this is a) if someone paid for a graduate degree and learned no more than sitting quietly and nodding, they got ripped off. b) there are far more cost-effective and beneficial relationships to be had if all you want is a quiet, warm body in the room with you and c) don’t you want aspects of your life to change and improve?

Even if you believe yourself to be a victim of people and circumstances (don’t we all feel this way, at least some of the time?), the only person who can do something different in your day-to-day life is you. If I, as your therapist, just nod and agree that everyone is terrible and your life sucks, nothing is going to change. Most people who come to therapy do have difficult people in their lives, a job that isn’t fair, a physical malady that is hard to manage, or some other out-of-their-control element of pain. And since we can’t simply remove that element, unless we do something to change your relationship to it/them, it is only going to keep being painful. “That sounds tough” is helpful, and it may feel good to hear. And after that, there is much more that is available to you to adjust how you show up in each of your challenging situations.

If you aren’t sure how active a potential therapist will be with you, it is okay to ask! Some things you might wonder, when you are looking for a therapist could be: •How will I know what to say during my session? Will you ask me questions or will I tell you what I want to talk about? •What is your stance on giving advice? •Do you ever assign homework? Will I have things I can work on in between our sessions?

I offer these not as a checklist of things to ask, but instead as pointers that you might be curious about- if you are just asking these questions without an idea of what you’d like from your therapist, it won’t actually help to hear their answers. (I can sometimes tell when a potential client has found a “list of questions to ask a new therapist” online because in an initial consultation call, they will ask me things like “what theories of psychotherapy do you utilize in your practice?” Unless you are a therapist, do you even know what I’m talking about if I answer that question?)

Before asking a potential or current therapist any questions, you might answer some of these for yourself: •What do I want to talk about in session? What do I NOT want to talk about in session, and why not? •Do I want someone to tell me what I should do? If so, how do I imagine eventually moving on from this relationship, if I’ve become dependent upon someone besides myself to make decisions about my life for me? •Do I believe that someone who is not in my shoes knows all the aspects of being me enough to truly make decisions for me? What do I expect from a therapist, if not this? •Do I want to work on something between our sessions? How much of what I want to happen in  therapy will be because of my doing and how much do I expect to come from my therapist?

It is important to know why you are asking a potential therapist questions so that, as you get to know a potential therapist, the way they answer will give you insight into whether they will be a good match for you.

My go-to therapist referral engine is TherapyDen.com. Before you even pick up the phone or shoot off an email you can narrow your search for a therapist by important considerations like specialty, location, online/in-person, ethnicity, and faith familiarity, along with others.  You can see whether or not they are holding a dog in their picture and read a bit about their background, training, and personality. If they offer a free consultation, that is also indicated in each profile. You can find individual, couples, family, child, teen, group therapy and medication management on Therapy Den.

If you love the counselor you have, but realize that you’d like for them to be a little more active in your sessions, you have every right to something like,

“I appreciate how supportive you are and I think I am ready to be challenged a little more.”

Have some examples ready though of ways you’d like to try new things- they might think you just got that line from an article you read