how to tell someone they need therapy

Within the span of one week, three different people asked me: how do you  tell someone they need to go to therapy? When the first person asked, I just replied that talking what YOU have found helpful in your own therapy is the best way to endorse it to someone else.

But then I got asked again. And then I got asked again.

So in the event that you, too are wondering, how can I get someone I care about to get the help they deserve (without being pushy, awkward, or weird), I thought I’d go a little more in-depth into some solutions.

1) Share your concern. People don’t usually respond well to being told what to do. Or to being told that they are a problem. The classic “use ‘I’ statements” that TV likes to make fun of couples counselors for endorsing is relevant here: people stop listening when they feel bossed around or attacked. It is hard to make “You need to…” or “Your problem is…” come across as supportive. So seriously, what is your concern? “I notice that you’ve been late several times this week and I’m concerned you might get in trouble at work,” shows your care for the person, even when there is co-existing frustration for how that person’s lateness affects you. “It seems like your ex has been on your mind so much lately and I’m concerned about you having a hard time moving on” shares your concern for your friend, while you may also be feeling sick of hearing about the person who dumped her.

2) Express your limitations. Not only is it not your job to accept bad/repetitive/annoying behavior from someone you care about, if you are listening to complaints about something you don’t know how to solve, let them know. People often just want to be listened to, but if you’ve had your limit of complaints from someone, be honest about that. “I hear you that you are fed up with your coworkers and I wish I knew how to help- have you thought about talking about it with a therapist?” Marriage and Family Therapists are specifically knowledgeable about relationships, so are the ideal experts to consult with when it comes to problems with another person.

3)Examine your feelings about it. The best way to be clear with someone else is to first be clear with yourself. You may know that if your best friend tells you another story about her ex, you will lose it and scream at her, but what is under that frustration? Is there something about what she is doing that reminds you of your own experiences? Are you worried about her on a deeper level? Do you feel like many people in your life are complaining to you and she is the last straw? There are lots of reasons a person’s behavior can be bothersome and the more clear you are on what it is specifically that is going on with you, the better you will solve the problem you have with that person. Maybe it is time to do your own work so that you have the serenity to accept the things you can’t change about them, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

If you spend a lot of time feeling bothered by someone(s) else’s choices, the concept of codependency may be worth exploring. People who grew up in a home where someone abused alcohol or other drugs, or who had a parent with a significant mental health disorder are especially predisposed to feeling enmeshed with others.

When you or the person you hope will seek therapy is ready, TherapyDen is my go-to recommended therapy search engine.