Many couples who come to me exhausted from fighting with each other say they want "a neutral 3rd party" to help out.

I've always wondered why they took the time and money to seek out someone with an advanced degree and many years of professional practice working with relationships, if all they want is a non-relative to listen to both sides. Wouldn't your next door neighbor do that much more affordably and efficiently?

While a therapist can be a neutral third party, the difference is that I’m not just here to listen to both sides and help you reach a compromise. A Marriage and Family Therapist will be looking at the interactional patterns that happen between you, identify what’s underneath the disagreement, and help you interact about that pattern as a team. This is why therapy creates lasting changes, beyond what your neighbor might do if he or she picked who they thought was more convincing or less victimized in your argument.

When you work with a Marriage and Family Therapist (in Texas, "LMFT" or "LMFT-S" will follow their name if they have been licensed), he or she will actively observe your relationship dynamic. They will help both of you participate differently in the conversation. Usually this involves hearing what emotions are driving the words you hear. For example, "you always look at your phone when I'm talking to you" could mean 

I miss feeling connected to you.

or

I am afraid of being the only one responsible for decision-making.

or

I worry that you aren't interested in me anymore.

"You won't stop picking at me" could be what is fronting for a person who is feeling

I can't do anything right, so I might as well give up.

or

I never feel like I am good enough for you.

or

I wish I could help you feel better but I just don't know how.

When you work with someone whose whole job is to uncover these deeper communications and patterns, you eventually don't need a neutral 3rd party anymore. You learn to hear what your partner is actually needing- and it may not be completely from you. By learning to listen for what is really going on, you can be on the same team together to get each of your needs met.

Way more valuable than someone who doesn't know you picking a side!