Why did I lash out like that? Understanding your reactions and improving them.

Have you ever found yourself snapping at someone you care about and immediately wondering, Why did I react like that? Maybe you’ve gone completely blank during a conversation that didn’t seem threatening. These moments can feel like you must just be out-of-it all the way to shameful.

Here is how you can make sense of this when it happens to you...

What is incredible about our brains is that they are constantly learning from experiences. Without even trying, your brain is taking notes on everything around you to keep you safe, connected, and functioning in the world. To most efficiently keep us safe, the brain creates protective responses based on what it has learned in the past. You have probably heard about these as fight, flight, or freeze responses. 

Sometimes that protection looks like becoming defensive, argumentative, or reactive (fight). Other times it looks like withdrawing, shutting down, avoiding conflict, or wanting to escape altogether (flight). These responses happen almost immediately (remember- the brain wants efficiency!) before we’ve had time to consciously think through what’s happening.

Your brain is not asking, What’s objectively true right now? (which is something we often get to by slowing down with an Intentional Dialogue in couples therapy) In these automatic reactions, your brain has asked What feels familiar? What has helped me survive before?

For example, if you grew up feeling emotionally unsafe, your nervous system may have learned to expect those experiences. As an adult, even healthy closeness or gentle feedback can accidentally trigger old emotional alarms. You may feel an urge to pull away from relationships, to protect yourself before you can be hurt.

Maybe your heart races when someone raises their voice — even if they’re just excited. Maybe criticism feels overwhelming, even when it’s kind. Or perhaps crowded spaces leave you anxious and overstimulated, despite being surrounded by people you trust.

These reactions are not signs that you’re “too sensitive” or broken. They’re signs that your brain learned how to protect you the best way it could and is trying to protect you now, even though you don't need that protection now.

And the good news is: our brains are quite capable of learning new information! So you don't have to accept these disappointing automatic responses as just the way I am. 

With awareness and support we can teach the brain that some "familiar" experiences are not dangerous (even if they were in the past). Outdated protective responses can soften. We can learn new ways to feel safe, connected, and grounded in the present instead of automatically reacting to what the past taught us.

Want to learn more? Schedule a phone consult.