When Sevan* and his partner were referred for couples therapy from his partner's individual therapist, Sevan's partner was scared of him. He had never been physically abusive, but there were times when he would switch into a mode of anger, rudeness, and blame that seemed to come out of nowhere. His partner didn't always understand it, though she was doing everything she could to help him stay calm, not rocking the boat and doing things the way he wanted. No matter what she tried, he would still sometimes slip away from her and become this version of himself that seemed so mean. This was such a contrast, she said, from the funny, easy-going guy that she'd fallen in love with years prior.

Sevan was reluctant at first to do individual therapy because he'd gotten negative messages about what it meant if he were to see a therapist himself. He knew his partner valued her own individual therapy, but he was uneasy about one-on-one sessions and what they might bring up. With the hope that the stress in his life could only get better by trying therapy, he began weekly sessions. 

A few months into doing individual work, he began to find his day-to-day less o. He overwhelming. He was able to tolerate things that would have previously sent him over the edge. In couples work, his partner said she was seeing more and more of the guy she knew and loved and less of the reactive guy who had gotten her so fed up and scared. 

Sevan began to put pieces together about difficulties he'd had growing up that were affecting him now as an adult. Thanks to working with a specialist trained in trauma recovery, Sevan was given the tools to address the implicit memories that were affecting him in his relationship. He was able to be more present - at work, at play, and with his partner. More often, Sevan talked about what he was thinking and feeling, rather than bottling it up until he blew up. He even became more interested in his partner and more available for connection.

If you've been frustrated that someone you care about can't seem to manage their anger, it may actually be that pain from the past is trying to protect them in a way that isn't necessary now. Taking a deep breath and counting to 10 are useful skills for anyone, however there is much more relief available for those who are willing to seek it!

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*Actual identifying details and names will never be disclosed and patient stories are composites of more than one client. Relief and success is also based upon numerous real client recovery stories.