Tips for Finding a Marriage Counselor

When the website Marriage Counseling asked me for tips for finding a marriage therapist, my suggestions focused on feedback I’ve gotten from my own clients over the years.

Often, when I ask what brings couples to see me, the response is (after they say “help with communication”) that they want a 3rd party present to mediate fights.

I totally get it. When you KNOW you are right, and your partner KNOWS they are right, it seems like someone there to break the tie is the only way out of the standoff.

But couldn’t anybody fill this role? If you just need a warm body to help you both stay on good behavior when you disagree, why not just invite your kid’s parent in, next time they carpool? If you are going to spend the time and money to get in  sit with someone, why not trust a person who has studied relationship theory?

When someone has been trained to work with relationships, they are able to help you learn how to be a better partner by listening to understand, rather than waiting until your partner is done talking so you can fire back something that will put them in their place. Your neighbor or your postal worker or your kid’s parent could probably help you pick out which of you has a more reasonable perspective. But a relationship therapist will help you learn how to stay on the same team, even when you disagree. (I don’t know- maybe your neighbor is an MFT and they can do that, too…)

IMAGO is one theory I lean heavily on and I like it because it shows you and your partner how to help each other heal your childhood wounds (which are at the heart of your biggest conflicts.) We look at the iceberg that is an argument, and how much of it is below the surface and not even what you seem to be talking about. Most Austin-based therapists who see couples use Gottman Theory. EFT has more recently become popular, helping a couple identify their “cycle” of conflict and work together to change it.

When you or someone you know could use the help of a 3rd neutral party to meditate arguments, consider recruiting a professional who has actual strategies for strengthening the relationship!