Want to know what is going on with your teen/spouse/sibling?

How to Get Someone to Open Up and Talk More

“I feel like we don’t really talk anymore. I don’t know how to connect with him…” My Marriage and Family Therapist colleagues and I hear sentiments like this all the time- from spouses, parents, friends… Human beings are innately driven to be in relationship with one another. When you feel distant from the people closest to you, it is hard to feel alright.

Lots of things can contribute to someone pulling away. There are lots of reasons a person gets caught up in their own stuff. And, the way that you interact has a major impact on whether they keep their stuff to them self or they feel safe and supported to open up to you.

If you want to know what is going on with someone you care about you have to learn to let them feel the way that they feel, rather than trying to convince them otherwise. This means validating what they tell you: letting them know you believe their experience is as they tell you it is.

Small child: “I know there is a monster under my bed! I am too scared to go to sleep!”

Validating parent: “You must feel so scared right now! Let’s find a way to help you feel safe and calm…”

This child is much more able to calm down because she knows her parent has her back, cares about her feelings, and wants to help. A parent gains nothing from attempting to convince the child of their own reality: there is no monster! Do not feel scared! Trying to convince alienates the child, who only knows the reality of how scared she feels.

Caregivers are often unaware of underlying thoughts and emotions. Partners are often wrapped up on their own experience, making it difficult to see what the other is truly experiencing.

The way to become aware of underlying thoughts and emotions and invite more of them to be shared is to validate what you hear.

“That makes sense.”

“I can understand why you felt that way.”

“Of course you felt ___ when that happened”

are all ways of helping the person you are talking to know you get them, so that they know it is okay to tell you more of what they are thinking and feeling. When you validate, people know what they are thinking and feeling is welcomed. They don’t have to defend it or fight against a different opinion. They can just express themselves freely.

The biggest push back on validation that I get is “but there ISN’T a monster under their bed! Why would I agree to that?!”

It is very important to remember that validation is NOT agreeing. The people on the other side of the aisle have legitimate reasons for voting the way that they do. You don’t have to agree or feel the same way to understand that they saw things in such a way that it makes sense for them to feel the way that they do. Validation is giving someone permission to have their own experience. Trying to convince someone that what they think and feel isn’t real pushes them away and makes them feel unseen and misunderstood.

“But I never said I don’t like her friends- why would I validate that she thinks I don’t like her friends?!“

Validation can be hard in partnerships because we bring our own story to the conflict that we are already eager to have understood. But it is very hard for someone who feels misunderstood to try to understand you. Until you are ready to understand your partner’s viewpoint, yours may not be able to be seen.

Upset partner: “I didn’t tell you about my weekend because I know you don’t like my friends.”

Validating partner: “You feel like I don’t like your friends.  Tell me more?”

Upset partner: “You’ve commented about their relationships before and it seems like you think they are immature.”

Now here is where, if you want to continue to breed connection, you must keep your head in the game and wait your turn, rather than insisting they understand what you really think.

Validating partner: “Oh, I can see why my comments on their relationships made it seem like I don’t like your friends. It makes sense you feel afraid to share with me because you think I will be judgmental.”

Upset partner now has the space to feel their feelings fully and know that they are understood. As they calm down, they open up to the possibility of seeing your standpoint, knowing they don’t have to defend their own. You can model that both experiences co-exist because you’ve allowed them their experience without arguing that it isn’t so.