What It Really Means to "have trouble communicating"

“A defining factor in relationships that last is the ability to reconnect emotionally after an argument.” ~Marion F. Solomon, Healing Trauma

Much of my early work with clients who come to me for couples therapy is to initially uncover what is meant by “we need help with communication.” Since (sadly) most couples don’t come to therapy until one or both of them has considered leaving, the ability to really listen to one another has, by the time the couple is in front of me, been intercepted by traumatic responses from before the couple even met one another.

All of us are set up with a way of seeing the world and relationships based on what we experienced growing up. Our early painful experiences are processed in the non-verbal right side of the brain, so though always present, we aren’t super aware of these pains that we carry around. This is why with our partners, because the intimacy we have with them allows us to access the familiarity we had with those we were first closest to, we can blow up at something seemingly small. A look causes exasperation. A forgotten conversation provokes a huge blowout. A misunderstanding becomes “proof” of something neither of you ever intended. Our partner is bringing up pains that are already there from childhood. Recognizing this truth can make couples work a little easier because we discover that my partner isn’t the only one to blame for my pain. And (thankfully!) they are just the right person to help us work through this early pain that we carry around because they are so able to trigger it in us. And we bring up the exact pain from their past that they need to heal, as well.

Because we find ourselves attracted to each other, based on our early relationships, it can often be the case that what initially drew us to a partner, is what eventually feels unbearable. Strength and stability that was so attractive in the beginning feels like rigidity and inflexibility later in the relationship. The artistic creativity and liveliness that drew you in at the start becomes annoying when it is later perceived as carelessness and unreliability. When we can begin to identify both sides of the same coin in our partners, it helps us to make connections to what drew us to them. Perhaps I had a parent who had the charming traits that initially attracted me. Or perhaps I was more aware of the negative side of these traits, that I also disliked in my parent(s) as a child, and so now I am acutely aware that I don’t want to be around someone who is ____.

One step towards reclaiming sanity can be: getting more clear on what our own experience is when our partners are doing untenable things (that, consciously or unconsciously remind us of the pain that was there growing up). Each time you see, “(s)he’s doing it again! Why does (s)he always: ____?!” take the opportunity to notice what is happening inside of you. Do you feel sensations in your abdomen? Chest? Neck or head? What does your body do when your partner does that thing? Are you able identify emotions that happen? Anger or fear might be most evident. If you are able to take the time to sit with what happens for you, what other emotions might be underneath the first, big emotions that you feel?

Some notice feelings of helplessness or shame. Depending upon your background, it will be helpful to yourself (and your partnership, if you’d like) that you experience and explore for yourself what these underlying emotions are that happen when tension arises in your relationship. This will be incredibly helpful information to bring with you to couples therapy when you are ready for it, or to talk with an individual therapist about. Without getting down to what is really happening inside of you when you “have trouble communicating” with your partner, you will just continue to go in the same circles you always have because the original trauma and the pain that already lives inside of you is never addressed.

Here are some questions to consider, next time you notice “we are having trouble communicating”:

• What happens in my body when this conflict arises?

• What emotions are immediate?

• If I allow the immediate emotions to be there and I continue to notice what happens inside me, what other emotions emerge?

• When have I felt this way before? When is the very first time I remember feeling this?

• What similarities are there between the very first time I had this emotional/physical experience and the situation that brings it up for me now?

• What differences are there between that first situation and this one?

In order to stop having the same conflicts in your relationship, you must be open to looking at what happens below the surface. This requires self-inquiry instead of blame. When both partners self-examine, and often, even when just one partner starts the process, relationships can be rebuilt based on mutual support and empathy.