Communication Patterns: Am I Helping or Hurting?

There are as many reasons that relationships fail at communication as there are stars in the sky. It is all too easy to assume that what is you said was even heard, let alone understood in the way you meant it. Since we are not computers, even if we actually heard the words spoken, we may not get it the way the person who said it wants us to get it. 

That said, here are some very common ways you could be making your communication patterns worse. If you can notice that you are doing any of these (not if your partner is doing them- try to focus on whether YOU are doing them), then you are hurting the communication in your relationship. The more you can catch yourself doing any of these, the better chance you have that you will be heard and understood. 

Destructive Communication:

 Blaming, arguing, putting the other down

 Failure to listen: composing your own next argument while the other is talking

 Denying your own role in the problem

 Unwillingness to change your own behaviors

 Cutting the other person off or interrupting

 Dominating the conversation; not allowing other to respond or input

 Changing subject or getting off track

 Failure to open up or express yourself

 Not responding or giving input

 Lecturing, or giving advice without it being requested

 Getting defensive or combative during problem-solving

Here are ways to improve interacting with people. The more of these you use consistently, the more people will feel willing to interact with you and the more you will be heard and understood. 

Which of the following are you willing to make an intentional choice to do in every conversation today and tomorrow? 

Constructive Communication:

 Concentrated effort to build a cooperative relationship: Teamwork

 Using “I” statements to express yourself (rather than starting sentences with "You...")

 Asking the other for deeper feelings or opinions

 Offering encouragement, praise and appreciation

 Listening and attempting to understand the other’s feelings

 Repeating back what is understood to clarify and confirm it’s correct

 Expressing love or concern

 Using respectful humor to lighten the mood

 Acknowledging and admitting how you contributed to the problem

 Taking turns communicating- balanced discussion

 Appreciating the need for continued dialog

 Emphasizing the need to work together to solve problems

 Expressing self calmly, respectfully, and kindly

 Accepting the other’s statements as their reality

Click here to learn more about improving your relationship.