4 Types of Denial

A Characteristic of Codependency 

that you can change

based on an article by Darlene Lancer

Denial is a way of coping with something we wouldn’t tolerate if we faced it. When we begin to realize how painful a relationship has become, actually facing the truth about the problems in it must become a practice. If not, you deprive yourself of learning ways to save your life and those of others. There are multiple types of denial you may be using. Which of the following have you used to cope with a relationship?

“IT’S NOT THAT BAD.”

The first type of denial is denying that someone’s behavior is causing a problem. It can be hard to be honest that someone’s behavior is negatively affecting you because

• You may have grown up with addiction or the problem behavior in your family, so it feels familiar and normal.
• Addicts and abusers don’t like to take responsibility for their behavior. They deny it and blame others who are willing to accept this as the truth.
• Growing up in dysfunctional families, you learn to not trust your ­perceptions and what you know.
• Acknowledging the truth would cause feelings of shame because of the stigma attached to bad behavior.
• Your low self‐esteem lowers your expectations of being treated well.
• You may lack information about the signs of addiction and abuse.

Because denial keeps you from acknowledging the truth, you won’t have to take action. There may be other things you will lose when you confront the other person’s behavior that have been worth avoiding taking action because you don’t want to lose those things. Could this be true for you? What might you lose if you take action and stop denying the problem’s someone else’s behavior causes?

Denial doesn’t mean that you’re not bothered by their behavior. It means you don’t recognize it for what it is, such as abuse, infidelity, an addiction, or other issue. The fleeting possibility may cross your mind, but you don’t think about it. You may dismiss it as unimportant, or minimize, justify, or excuse it with explanations and rationalizations. This is normal when you don’t want to admit that someone you love has a serious mental or behavioral problem, but the troubles mount up, and one day you find you’re making excuses for behavior you never thought you’d tolerate. That’s what happens with denial: things get worse.

“I’M NOT PART OF THE PROBLEM.”

Generally, if confronted, codependents deny their codependency. You may believe that you have no choices about your ­situation or you may blame others. You may deny their own role in the problematic relationship in hopes of avoiding deeper pain.

Another reason that it may be difficult for you to admit you have a problem and seek help is because you’re not used to looking at yourself. Focusing on others protects you from facing your pain and taking responsibility for your own happiness. It keeps you stuck pursuing the fruitless goal of trying to change others or expecting someone else to be a certain way to make you happy This is based on the false premise that your happiness lies in others. Blaming others or feeling superior helps you avoid self‐examination, as shown in the following examples.

For people who are giving and natural helpers, it can be hard to look at the fact that oftentimes, being a good helper can help us feel superior. There is a sense of pride in doing things for others. Generosity is beautiful until it becomes a way of proving, “look how great I am, compared to how you treat me.” It is a codependent’s choice to continue to give in a relationship where it isn’t reciprocated, appreciated, or sometimes even acknowledged. 

“DON’T ASK ME HOW I FEEL.”

Codependents are usually good at knowing what other people feel and spend a lot of time worrying about them, often with resentment. All the while, they aren’t much aware of their feelings, other than worry and/or sometimes resentment. Denial of your own feelings may be keeping you stuck in a problematic relationship. 

When people are obsessing about another person it’s usually a distraction from what they’re really feeling. When tears arise, they may downplay what is happening inside saying, “I’m emotional.” This is denying that it is normal and natural to have feelings of sadness, loss, rejection, anger and impatience in a relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally available.

They understand physical pain but not emotional pain. Denial of their true feelings, which would be upsetting to experience, allows them to stay afloat, and in the relationship that is so painful. Growing up, they never learned to identify their feelings or felt safe expressing them, especially if they had no one to comfort them. Instead, they felt ashamed and buried and repressed their feelings.

Feelings, including painful ones, serve a purpose. They help you recognize your needs and adapt to the environment. Awareness of feelings is vital to healthy interactions with others:

• Fear tells you to avoid danger, including people who may harm you emotionally.
• Anger tells you that action is required to right a wrong or to make changes.
• Guilt alerts you to when you haven’t acted in line with your values.
• Sadness helps you let go and encourages empathy and human connection.
• Shame helps you fit into society and keeps you from harming others.
• Loneliness motivates you to reach out to others.

When you deny or repress feelings, you can get stuck. The feeling never gets released and it stays in your unconscious — sometimes for years. Pain accumulates, and more pain requires more denial. An unintended consequence of denying painful feelings is that you become depressed or numb to joy, gratitude, and love, too.

Energy that would otherwise be used creatively and constructively gets channeled into holding down feelings, like trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker. Denial of raw emotion permits it to fester as an obsession, addiction, depressed mood, or resentment. Allowing feelings to flow releases the pent‐up tension.

Some codependents use resentment to camouflage anger that’s underneath. They resent someone with whom they’ve not set good ­boundaries. Growing up it may not have been safe to say no or express anger. As adults, they might minimize or rationalize it and even blame themselves to deny their anger and to preserve the relationship with the other person. What can be done? Acknowledging the anger allows the resentment to be known. Talking about it can help to repair find solutions and in some cases, improve the relationship.

Some people act out their repressed feelings with behavior that releases emotional tension without experiencing the feeling. Codependents who deny their feelings sometimes marry someone who has volatile emotions, allowing them to experience feelings vicariously.

When you deny your feelings, it keeps you from responding appropriately and creates more problems. In some cases, you can identify the feeling but have denied its buried, repressed meaning. When this happens, you can still remain fixed in a cycle of re‐experiencing the feeling and repeating the associated behavior, because the deeper pain isn’t resolved. (This is why therapists like to ask about your world growing up!)

“MY NEEDS DON’T MATTER.”

Codependents are very good at anticipating and filling the needs of others, yet they deny or minimize their own needs. At the other extreme are those who demand and expect everyone else to meet their needs. Some codependents were neglected, and basic physical needs weren’t met. Others who were abused may never have experienced safety in a relationship and don’t expect it as a normal prerequisite.

Some codependents had their material needs met and assume that’s all they require. But humans have many needs, including emotional availability and safety. Recognizing a need that was shamed or never filled is like asking a blind person to describe color.

Good parents make it safe for children to ask for what they want. Then as adults, they’re able to identify their needs, function on their own, and express their needs. If key needs were shamed or ignored in your childhood, you grow up doing the same to yourself and shut down feelings associated with those needs. Why feel a need if you don’t expect it to be filled? It’s less painful to deny it entirely.

This is why many codependents learn to be self‐sufficient and, in particular, to deny emotional needs. Because being self-sufficient is so applauded in a country that began in the name of independence, we can tell ourselves that not needing other people is positive. But it isn’t. Mammals need each other to survive and thrive. Humans need to have connection with each other just as we need oxygen, water, and sunlight.

For someone so proud of being independent, you’d feel vulnerable requesting needs be met if they require the participation of another person. Expressing needs in the context of a relationship requires trust in someone else. You might deny and/or feel ashamed of your needs for support, nurturance, and the most human of all — the need for love.

Even if you know that you were loved, if you never received nurturing or had your feelings respected, you may attempt to fill this void with an addiction. Addictive relationships serve as a substitute for real connection. Some people are caretakers who hope to receive love in return but are unable to be vulnerable about their own feelings, which is necessary to maintain an intimate relationship.

Many who don’t recognize their needs for support and comfort isolate — especially when they’re hurting. Even with awareness of their needs, asking someone to meet them can feel humiliating.

Have you ever practiced any of these versions of denial? 

A crucial step away from pain in relationships is getting real about what is happening and what you are feeling about it. Then, by talking about what you are feeling, not just what the other person is doing, but what you are feeling in your heart and in your body, you will begin to feel empowered to make positive choices about your life, regardless of someone else’s behavior.