3 Things to Consider to Find a Marriage Counselor Who Is a Good Fit
When a Marriage Counseling website recently asked me for tips on finding a good marriage counselor, my first suggestion was to make sure the professional you are interviewing for the job has training in work with couples or families.
Seems obvious, but not all counselors are trained in relational work. Some counselors say that they work with couples. Please note that this may only mean that they do individual counseling with two people in the room. This isn't the same as understanding the science of relational work or the dynamics of partnerships. Healthy relationships have been studied for years, so if you are going to pay someone to help you with yours, why not hire someone who has some of that knowledge, rather than just a warm body who will mediate your arguments?
What I hear most often when couples come to me (besides the classic "we want help with communication") is that they want a third party around so that their disagreements don't get so heated and polarized. I can appreciate this. Just like when there is company over, people are usually on better behavior with someone else is present. We are more likely to check ourselves in the presence of others. It's part of what makes us social beings- we affect each other.
Couples have arguments because they have gotten so comfortable with each other, they are no longer playing nice. You've gotten comfortable enough to let your wounds be revealed. You are able to feel the hurt that you felt long ago, because your partner is now triggering it in you. You've both gotten to that point in the relationship. And so the fights are able to be more raw, unless someone else is around to prevent you from being completely back in your childhood emotional experience.
But if you really just want someone to be there while you fight, you could have over your neighbors for company. Invite your postal worker in. Have your kids' friends' parents join you when they come to pick their kid up. "Would you mind? We just need someone here while we do this?" If you really don't want anything more than "a third party," there are much easier, cheaper ways to get that.On the other hand, if you are willing to take the time to drive to an office and pay some money, why not give that time and money to someone who can offer more than mere presence? Wouldn't it be worthwhile to have someone be with your relationship who can understand the patterns you have created and help you break them?I get it, I get it- there is a lot to be said for just having a neutral room where the expectation is that we will be honest. If the agreement is, "we are showing up here, knowing that we are both trying to improve things," just having an office with a caring professional waiting there for you is huge. And I'm suggesting that maybe you would like even more than that.
Imago Relationship Therapy uses the metaphor of an iceberg to understand conflicts in a relationship.Seeking a couples therapist (if their name has "LMFT" after it, they are specifically licensed to understand and treat relationships) who will help you look at the below-the-surface aspects of your conflicts and interactions will give you much, much more bang for your buck. Cus your cat is already a third party to your arguments, and how much has his presence helped?!